SORRY

“In my defense, what is there to say,
all the mistakes I made, must be faced today,
It’s not easy now knowing where to start
While the world I love tears itself apart”

The worst day of my entire life existence was when you told my friend that I have destroyed your life and I should stop shitting people's lives. (Yes, totoo. Nagloko ako. Pero hindi naman lahat ng nangyari is puro kasinungalingan) I felt so ashamed of myself, so angry at myself. That for the woman who has been there for me at my darkest hour is saying this. The fact is that you have been there for me when no one has. And I have not been able to look at that in a way which I should and you so magnificently deserve. I think you never held back your love, I think I did. You never held back your care, I did.

My selfish and ego nature only saw what was being done wrong and not what was being done right. And until now, napaka-selfish ko pa din. Pero unti unti ko ng binabago because of what you have told to my friend. If things were different you would be different. Circumstances changes people and I know I have put you through a very difficult time.


I really had no idea what to expect when I was back. I don’t seem to be a normal nice guy. In fact I am not a nice guy at all. You know I say people like me and girls like me (mayabang talaga ako eh!) That is because they only see one side of me, a side which is a shallow and twisted version of me. They see the generous and respecting guy. They see a helpful and cool guy. They see someone else. I am confused on who I really am. Am I the one who seeks attention all the time and is much unsecured? Or am I happy. The truth is I have no idea. God gave me an angel in my arms and I did not value it. Di ko man lang binigyan ng halaga yung lahat ng ginawa mo for me. And now, parang lahat ng sakit bumabalik dahil sa mga sinabi mo sa friend ko na pina-realized niya sakin gano kita nasaktan dahil sa mga sinabi mo sakanya.

I fight and rebel with you because I see only your strict and angry nature. I do not see the care. That tough exterior is what I see. I see the warm and loving nature reserved for everyone else but me. And that may be true but I have created the wall around you against me. And I have to now find my way in.

But when I try to go in, I just get pushed right back out. Your shell is too strong for me. I know for sure that I am not a nice guy, listening to good music and traveling the world does not make you a nice guy. Being nice is caring for people, loving and helping them at dapat di ka nagsisinungaling sakanila at di mo sila niloloko. Sometimes I hate myself so much that I feel like just running away. You know there was a time after I came back from work, where I just could not handle everything. I just used to think of running away and even think to kill myself. Every day was like a pride swallowing siege, like I am cornered. Like the coldest heart in the world is my girlfriend.

Every time I used to travel nung girlfriend pa kita, I felt that there is a little relief that we are not arguing or doing something which will provoke one. In one of my favorite plays written by Shakespeare called Macbeth, a king kills his general to marry his wife but then is haunted all his life. There was an Indian movie named “Maqbool” as well. Now you must be thinking “where is this guy going with this”. See in Macbeth, the guy was passionate about being the king. That is all he ever wanted and he could not think anything else. It was a single minded dedication towards his selfish needs.

But in the end he does get what he wants but then is punished for it. He is haunted for it. This is what I feel. All I ever wanted was to be with someone who I love like mad. Who will love me for who I am and what I am. And when I look back at my life there has only been one person, just that one person who I love enough like that, like I want to possess her. Like close her up for the rest of the world. Like she belongs to no one else, just me.


I am incredibly selfish and possessive like Macbeth. But then things are not practical that way. You have to share someone’s time with other people. When I met you all these years ago, you never ever made me jealous, you never ever spoke about another man, you never hide anything. But the world which I lived in is full of lies and deceit, full of jealousy and rage, full of lying to people. All the women before and after you who I have known have been like so fucking crazy, all they do is drinking, smoking and partying. Kaya siguro nagawa ko rin yun. Feeling ko wala ng tamang babae for me.

I have never ever met someone as simple as you. So on the one hand I am like blessed but on the other hand I am like totally confused. I mean she does not hurt me; she does not drive me mad. Is she really so straight forward and normal. You know I have been like always suspecting what lies behind this easy going and simple person. Because I could never believe someone is so nice. It made me look even more an evil person.


Basically what I am saying is this what I have been hoping and praying for has been there the whole time. And now something about love –
Love is about letting go. Love is about freedom. Love is about caring (which you have always done). Love is about being happy. And I thank God everyday, that you are happy now with your husband.

But I really want you to know that I am SORRY.

I'm sorry for the pain, the hurt, the torment and the sorrow that I caused you. 

I'm sorry for not letting you in. 

I'm sorry for not sharing with you my innermost thoughts, dreams, fears and feelings. 

I'm sorry for not respecting you enough. 

I'm sorry for not giving you the reassurance that you asked for. 

I'm sorry for my silence when you wanted to talk. 

I'm sorry for not communicating with you the way you wanted me to. 

I'm sorry for not trusting you enough to open myself up to you. 

I'm sorry for letting my fears ruin our friendship, our bond, our love and the best relationship I ever had. 

I'm sorry for making you feel that you weren't good enough for me.

I can't tell you enough or in the right words how sorry I am for the things that I've done. I wish I could take back the cheating, lying, and deception. You were supposed to be the person I loved more than anything, and I betrayed you and hurt you the worst that I could have. I'm sorry, Nica. Sorry.

Thank you for making me realized how stupid I am for hurting you and the other girls. Hindi man tayo yung naging para sa isa't isa or hindi man ikaw yung naging forever ko, alam ko tinupad ni Lord yung wish ko na makahanap ka ng forever mo. Sorry talaga.

Sorry.